Similarly, a laid-off defense procurer in Long Island, N.Y., was so ashamed of his job loss that he didn't visit a company career center for six months. Instead, he isolated himself, avoiding peers with whom he could have shared feelings, job leads and networking contacts.

Shame's Roots

Shame is an understandable reaction to losing a job. Most career counselors believe it's rooted in an era when people were fired because of misconduct or incompetence. Work became more secure following World War II, but employees who were fired typically had behaved poorly. Now, being let go is as simple as being in the wrong job at the wrong time and shouldn't be a rational cause for shame.

An information-technology professional who also was laid off from the Long Island defense company felt hopeless and shamed by his plight. "This company was my life. I'm embarrassed and ashamed, yet there's nothing I can do." He told an outplacement counselor.

The counselor agreed that given the magnitude of the company's downsizing, he couldn't have avoided losing his job, and his feelings of shame were misplaced. The counselor encouraged him to go out to dinner with his wife. By treating himself nicely, he could start to rebuild his self-worth and regain control.

After dining out the previous evening, he returned to the counselor, "You broke the spell," he told the counselor. "I spent $92 on wine, and I felt like I deserved it. After all, I'd done nothing wrong." No longer mired in shame, he now could start an effective job search.

"Shame is inappropriate when you have done nothing shameful," says Dr. Charles Sodikoff, a career counselor in North Merrick, N.Y. In fact, most candidates he sees have exemplary work records. "I ask shameful or embarrassed candidates, 'When did you become a bum?' It's my way of asking them how much their job loss was due to performance issues or even personality traits. Most of them have no rational answer and realize that their job loss was part of a larger company strategy, not a reflection on their performance or personality."

Outplacement counselors often are amazed by the high caliber of the people who lose jobs after a downsizing. "Many of the best are out on the street so if you're there, too, you're in good company," says Bob Simians, a career counselor in Plainview, N.Y. "When I kick off a job workshop for downsized employees, I usually ask, 'How many in this room were laid off for poor performance?' When no hands are raised, I question why anyone should feel shame or embarrassment."

In an era of frequent and large layoffs, many interviewers and hiring managers have been in similar circumstances-or know top-notch professionals who have. When you realize this, you'll feel less ashamed and apologetic and become more comfortable with contacts.

Having this outlook is critical for a successful job search. Ashamed job hunters don't appear confident, intelligent or desirable to interviewers and employers.

Think Differently

"Shame is one of the most basic, primal human emotions, much more primal than guilt," says Barbara Moses, a Toronto-based career consultant and author of "Career Intelligence: Mastering the New Work and Personal Realities" (1997, Stoddart Publications). "Excessive shame is the mark of a person who hasn't developed a strong enough sense of self. Taking shame beyond a short time frame is in a sense childish and dependent. I see it most in long-service employees who strongly believe they should have jobs for life and look to employers for [their] identity."

Ironically, notes Dr. Moses, Generation Xers, the youngest segment of the work force, are least likely to feel ashamed of job loss. "They don't identify closely with any one company, and they're less dependent and more resilient," she says. . "They've grown up with the concept of job insecurity as normal, not shameful. They're more likely to feel anger than shame [and believe] they're worthy despite being temporarily jobless."

But most executives were born before 1965 and remember when being unemployed was a badge of shame. How can you overcome that feeling, rebuild your confidence and conduct an effective job search?

"Learn to depersonalize your job loss", says Bill Hill, a New York-based career consultant. "Most downsizing decisions aren't directed at the individual," he says, "They're based on across-the-board cuts for areas of a business which aren't priorities. It's best to explain your job loss in those terms to yourself and potential employers, rather than harboring the attitude, 'They did me wrong. They had it in for me or I mustn't be any good.'"

Depersonalizing your loss becomes easier if you don't over-identify with your position. "I told one client to think of himself not merely as an accountant but as a human being with accounting skills," says Mr. Hill. "That way, he could wake up in the morning knowing he still has an important role-human being, even if he's deprived of a job description of accountant."

It's also helpful to look back at your career objectively. The shock of job loss sometimes causes us to forget our successes and dwell on our mistakes. Be honest about failures so you don't repeat them but be equally honest about successes. Try "strength bombardment," a process in which you review your career successes and the personality traits and skills which helped you achieve them.

Find Support

These techniques work best if you're able to seek support from family members, outplacement counselors, former colleagues, groups for job seekers or networking contacts.

Unconditional support from family members, for example, can help you feel less fearful. A laid-off environmental engineer hid his job loss from his wife for several weeks by pretending to go to work. When he finally told her, he was relieved to find she was much more supportive than he expected.

Outplacement counselors are also helpful. Most are trained to counsel layoff victims on the mechanics of job hunting and the emotional aspects of joblessness. If outplacement help is offered, accept it, and don't make excuses for delaying your appointment. A counselor can help you face negative feelings and learn job-search techniques. Ironically, employees who have just lost their jobs are in the worst position to remember their career successes and write resumes, so objective professional advice can be invaluable.

Another way to overcome shame is to network with other job seekers. They can identify with your embarrassment and offer tips to get past it.

Don't let your shame be a barrier to getting help. Mr. Hill recalls a laid-off professional who put on a suit and tie every day and panhandled at Grand Central Station. He collected a few hundred dollars a week until he finally admitted he needed outplacement help to find a solution to his situation.

The laid-off chemist from New Jersey also struggled for several months. Finally, he summoned up the courage to attend an Elks Club meeting. There he met many contacts from the pharmaceutical industry. They offered support, helped him overcome his shame and introduced him to other networking contacts. In a few weeks, he found a new job.

Reprinted from National Business Employment Weekly, May 3, 1998